How I Healed from Depression in Less than 3 Months
I’m going to keep this short. Because I healed quite suddenly (in less than 3 months I was WHOLE again) after 11 years of horrific anxiety and depression (and all that come with it including insomnia, horrific daytime nightmares, addiction, etc) without really any external intervention. That means no tablets, no therapists, no psychopharmacology, simply simple changes and a completely different state of mind.
I wrote this article because I want to share with the world how right now I am WHOLE inside like I never have been before in my life. To be WHOLE means to embody HEALTH. And to embody health means to live in a constant state of satisfaction (not happiness or euphoria, those are felt at times as well), but of constant “I’ve arrived!”.
In this post, I’m going to detail what you need to know about healing from depression. But first here’s a little information on me: At the time of writing this, I’m a 53-year-old woman. 12 years ago I was a different person entirely: an anxious and depressed zombie-like person who was literally caged in her house, in her room, and, finally, in her head.
I was “diagnosed” with dysthymia. But my “disorder” was exactly that, a disordered being. A disordered soul. A confused and miserable creature. A victim. I was stuck in this unfortunate place called depression, and I had no idea how to get out of it.
I had a vague idea I couldn’t see anything beyond the bottom of the pit, for example, the fact that it’s an augmented reality that is true for all of us who are in this state of “afflicted beings” (in this case afflicters). It is a power struggle between spirit and soul, consciousness and unconsciousness, clarity and chaos, reality and delusion. It’s horrible and it’s hell.
And, last bit of information regarding my state, even though it had been triggered by a broken relationship (I had no tools to handle the abandonment), looking back it is clear I had been “ill” from an early age. I looked for external things to fix me (relationships mainly, but also fun and laughter, being validated by others, being accepted by my family, etc) and when things on the outside were not lining up, I would either get depressed, go on a drinking bout, get angry and resentful, etc. Again, no tools.
So, how did I heal?
1. I accepted
I finally accepted the idea that there was something not right about me. I had no clue what it was, but I finally saw it was not the outside world that had wronged me or failed me or dismissed me or (and this felt strong) abandoned me. It was actually me. And, this was a great beginning! If it was me (and I had to REALLY see it was me), then I could, with the power of the mind (I am my own first teacher, you can’t believe how strong the mind is, we have no idea), work on myself. I needed to heal ME.
2. I looked for help
I started to look for support instead of blaming the world. I found groups that were ready to accept me and I got started working on myself. I went to 12 step meetings regularly, I started the 12 Step Programme of Recovery and I read books by spiritual teachers that would help me heal and support myself. And all this was new but it felt safe. For the first time in my life, I felt safe.
3. I battled
This was NOT EASY at first. It felt as if all the formulas I had for going through life were suddenly removed from me and I was no longer “me”. I felt naked and incredibly vulnerable. I had not only to accept this new space I was in (the depressed space), but I had to actually start working with it. And here is where the battle started.
The old me had to die so a new me could be born. And, as with every birth, it was painful but astonishingly beautiful. A miracle.
4. I surrendered
This was the clincher. I somehow accepted my own death. Patri had to go. She had been “me” for 40 years but now she had to go. Oooh, that was difficult, but I surrendered. I got on my knees and I asked, from the bottom of my heart, that she no longer controlled my life, my thoughts, myself. I said goodbye to her/myself. I cried quietly like I had never cried before. It came from a different place within. I think it was my soul crying out at being so misunderstood and in such pain for so long.
5. ACTION
I was told what I had to do to get well. It was simple, but it was not easy at times. And it had to get done. I knew that in order to get well I had to first start accepting myself and make some changes. I could not keep fighting against my own reality or the world. It was necessary for me to go beyond being a victim and take action.
The “simple” actions were:
-I had no alcohol. No more drinking (this was hard at first, as alcohol had been such a clutch for a long time. But my new me didn’t need it anymore)
- I stopped adding chemicals to the mix (I had been taking sleeping tablets and downers which was also incredibly difficult to stop. But it had to be done=
- I started prayer and meditation (also not easy. Who was I praying to? Why did I have to pray? Meditation was also an unknown territory, so I did it in the traditional way in the beginning. Counting numbers and sitting without moving were my beginners. Not easy. But I did it.)
- Next was self-searching: We all have hurt in our lives for one reason or another. Many of us unknowingly carry around a dumpster of emotional trauma and other garbage we do not even know about. On paper, I had to go through all the hurt I had experienced and forgive everyone and everything that I felt angry towards. And I did it.
- Confession and forgiveness: I told someone I TRUSTED my entire life story, omitting NOTHING, and I asked forgiveness to EVERYONE I had harmed or I believed I had harmed. Again, I didn’t omit anyone. It was a long, arduous process and I needed advice because my head was still not well enough to make decisions on its own. But I did it.
- Healing: Even though I was healed very quickly from my state of mind, I continued doing this work. When I made a mistake, I made amends. When I created trouble, I always fixeded it. When I feel bothered, I prayed and meditated on it and asked for help in areas in life where I felt confused. When I was having a dark day, I quietly accepted and understood it would pass, like rainy days pass. And I still do all of it. A lot less nowadays because my mind is a lot quieter as well.
AS A CONSEQUENCE, AND ONCE HEALED FROM THE DEPRESSION:
6. I asked.
I started to deeply look within and ask the question, “who am I?”. And then my mind would not know what to answer, it had “no idea”. And when it answered that it didn’t know, I talked to myself. I quietly said to myself, ‘who am I? And I asked again. And again. I realised that somehow a conversation of two people was taking place in my head, so I couldn’t be either, because I’m one and not two. It was this One that was watching (observing) the conversation take started to emerge or be seen more and more clearly (it was always there, I was always there!. Just not felt, seen, lived). I was waking up.
7. I saw that what we call “body” is really just an illusion
The body is not the real you. The mind is not “you”, it is just your brain, and it is only a part of you. The body/mind is a mortal delusion. It feels real but it is really an illusion. But, the body is so completely real that it seems as if we are separate from it. We feel pain and pleasure and we think we are the body. This is a great illusion! And, we need to realise that everything in the world is just like a dream except for one thing: YOU. This will by default allow you to relax and let the world appear and disappear (always Now) without you wanting, desiring, judging or needing. Just living. Surrendering to this moment. The only moment that will ever be. This one right now. This one!
8. I “found”, understood and loved me
This was, and still is, the most important thing I have ever done in my life. Each day I live in a state of: “Patri, I love you.” And when my mind disagrees, complains or asks why, I understand a brain is just a robotic tool playing back learnt words that don’t have real meaning to it. They’re just words. They come and go. That’s meditation: learning to see them come and go. During meditation the old voice of Patri the ego “talks” but it is not heard. Only the new, soft and tender voice of me, that I never knew was there speaks to me. And I listen and embrace it.
I have been like this for some time now, and it is just the same every day: peace, balance, bliss. Confidence, stillness.
And that’s how I understood that healing in truth means becoming WHOLE. That’s True Health. Mighty Health.
Oh, Mighty Health!!
