How I Woke Up to the Present Moment: My Amazing Awakening Story
It was always HERE. NOW.
It is ALWAYS here, now.
Always.
Back in 1999 my life spiralled out of control. I was 29 and living the life. I had moved to the UK in 1991 and slowly but surely I ‘got’ what I always (thought) I wanted: a stable relationship, a college career around something I truly loved, a peaceful life in a country I felt immensely comfortable in, a feeling of joy and bliss I’d never experienced before.
And then, the unthinkable happened. Like an earthquake that comes without any warning what-so-ever, in a split of a second (let’s say a split of a day) my relationship broke down the same month I was finishing my last year at college and within the next 28 days I had to move out of my life.
It was on a Saturday that same week that the Patri I knew quickly collapsed and died. As a result, a wave of tremendous anxiety attacked me from within by exploding into a full-blown nightmare forcing my shattered heart to beat FAST FAST FAST FAST FAST FAST FAST non-stop for 5 LONG LONG years.
This was beyond being broken. Love, security and health: all gone in a heartbeat. As in a magic act show, the future had just disappeared in front of my very eyes.
I moved out, moved into a different place, cried, kept on dying, moved out again into a different place, kept on crying and dying and crying and dying til there was nothing of the previous ‘me’ (the happy, normal me) left.
I remember thinking there was no way out of this. I would survive second after second going from anxious heart-beat to anxious heart-beat til the body eventually collapsed, which would be the only relief I would ever experience again.
The doctors prescribed anti-depressants and ‘time’. But neither worked. Only alcohol and pills worked, at least they would provide my body and mind with a sense of shock that seemed to be more powerful than the shock it was going through on its own.
Painfully, the years went by. I was agonising inside a body that kept on breathing and putting up with a heart that wouldn’t stop beating FAST FAST FAST FAST FAST FAST FAST.
I stopped sleeping and went through horrendous bouts of insomnia episodes that would last as long as 28 days and 6 weeks.
Pitch black inside a coffin-world was my undeniable eternal new reality.
An alcoholic dark life became my norm day after night after day after night after day after night after day after night after day after night.
Fast forward 11 years. I’m managing daily life with a few beers and some valium while barely surviving emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually.
Suddenly, out of nowhere, the unthinkable happens once again. The monstrous anxiety that had exploded inside of me 11 years before manages to activate itself into a full-blown monster-panic-attack this time with added voices and uncontrollable solid fear which took me into depths of despair I didn’t know could be possible.
I was in the grip of the same illness once again. I truly believed it was impossible to survive the monster twice; but life proved me wrong. This time it came back with a vengeance, making sure it would remove whatever tiny bit of ‘me’ had been left inside; this time, making sure it would finish me off for good.
When did I think of going to AA? I’m not sure, but eventually I saw myself dragging the battered body and mind to meetings all over London. At the meetings I learned about alcoholism as a spiritual illness. Nothing made sense to me but I was all ears. I had found a place where I could relax.
After a few months I felt better than in the last 11 years and maybe even better than in the last 30 years. Maybe my head was not as noisy, I’m not sure, maybe I was just entertained with the new spiritual tools I’d somehow bumped into.
As I worked the AA programme and got better and better and better I stumbled upon a book: “A Course in Miracles”. Before buying the book I was already a little familiar with Emmet Fox and other fascinating spiritual teachers. Somehow the AA textbook and these teachers’ books starting ‘talking’ to me at a level I hadn’t experienced before.
I wanted more. I was hungry for spirituality. I remember when reading step 4 of the 12 steps and 12 traditions AA book I was hooked to the way Bill W. describes how our natural human instincts can spiral out of control. With me, this had been true.
In 2011 I bought “A Course in Miracles” expecting exactly that… a course in how to ‘be well’. And I got exactly that… in an unexpected way.
The text was written in a way that seemed like some sort of coded riddle. It went round in circles within one sentence to find itself back at the beginning of the sentence without really having said anything and at the same time having conveyed everything needed to be said in completeness. The style hypnotised me from the word go.
As I started on the first chapter I found myself mentally switching from what I had expected when buying the book (a ‘normal’ course) to an area in my mind with no pre-conceptions in order to somehow grasp the REAL meaning of what the words were trying to show me. The words/sentences/knotted meaning were pointing at something outside of this world.
Miracles occur naturally as expressions of love. The real miracle is the love that inspires them. In this sense everything that comes from love is a miracle.
A Course in Miracles
Far from deterring me, the abstraction within the paragraphs attracted me even more. It was extremely powerful. I knew I had found what I had been looking for my entire life.
I first woke up with lesson 45 of A Course in Miracles. Part of the lesson states: “There is every reason to feel confident that we will succeed today. It is the Will of God.” It was 2012 and I was in Devon (UK) at the time of doing this particular exercise. When reading it I KNEW I would succeed. I trusted the words. Shortly after the exercise I had to go to the restroom downstairs and while getting there this was the first time I realised I never really move anywhere. While walking to the restroom I clearly saw I wasn’t moving. The body was moving, the legs were walking, but “I” wasn’t.
I was here, always. Everywhere was always ‘here‘. I was watching the body move from a place where there was no movement. This is enough to make anyone realise, right now, what it is known as their True Nature: the very Being you are, the You that is always with YOU.
My partner and I later drove back to London which took around 6 hours. But I could so clearly see I was never moving from here to there or from now to then. It was always here and always now. I looked in awe at the trees as we drove and saw their ‘timelessness’. They seemed to move but they weren’t moving (which, of course, they weren’t, the car, seemingly, was). I saw myself as TIMELESSNESS itself.
You have never been away from ‘here’ or from ‘now’. At a closer look you’ll experience yourself as THE here and THE now, which in turn are the Present Moment. The 3 are one: YOU.
In London the presence of me as Presence intensified even more. I felt light and floaty. I would wash dishes in awe of ‘me washing dishes’. I would make tea and laugh at the little thoughts that would try to crawl back into my mind intending to ‘attack’ my new found peace. Oh, this was such an impossible thing! No thought could ever touch ‘me’ no matter how horrible or dense or loud… I remember these thoughts passing by as well… No thought could land and stay in my mind because nobody would be there to get a hold of them and own them. They just arrived and disappeared without leaving a trace.
I was in this state of TRUTH for 3 days. Then, at some point, not sure when exactly, the thought of a ‘me’ appeared again and somehow managed to get a hold of all the other thoughts that came by…. And this is how my first glimpse of eternity simply vanished.
A year had passed since my first glimpse before I had my second awakening.
“Oh, here I AM!!!” said a thought referring to ME one day outside my flat in London. I was walking my dog and suddenly I ‘found me’. It was familiar and warm and simple and HOME. Yes, it was simple, so so simple. So here I was. Here I’d always been. The same ‘me’ from when I was a little girl was now outside my flat in London while waking the dog. It was shocking and extremely comforting at the same time. Like suddenly stumbling upon an old friend from childhood. Only that you are the friend and the one that stumbles upon your friend.
Even though this KNOWING at some point got weaker and flickered in and out of conscious-ness like a candle about to die, it always left part of the wick ready to be lit again at ease.
I was now ‘waiting’ for my awakening. This is a dangerous ‘zone’, because the “I” which is always here and now is waiting for something that belongs to the future to arrive in the present. This is one of the many pitfalls when you’re on the spiritual journey as a seeker (as opposed to being on the spiritual journey as someone enjoying the person – let’s say you’re well into yoga and meditation, for example : ) ).This ‘waiting’ went on for years.
I had a MASSIVE realisation again one Christmas which I spent on my own with my dog. It must have been around 2014 or 2015. There “I” was, again! It had always been me, there was nothing or noone else. Everything else was also me, so there was no everything-else. I ‘floated’ while walking my dog Lucky to Portobello Rd one morning and this was seen clear as day. I was moving nowhere. All of Portobello Rd – its people, its stalls, its vibe and energy… all of it: ME!
I had been expecting an awakening around the Christmas period. I knew, I’m not sure how, it sort of announced itself, like the Star of Bethlehem announced the birth of Christ. How meaningful, I thought, to wake up (be born) at Christmas time. The be birthed as Christ means exactly that: to wake up. To see TRUTH, or better said, to BE Truth. To see the world with the eyes of the Awakened One. Christ, Buddha, Mohammed, Krishna… It doesn’t matter. They all woke up to Their True Nature. And so had I.
Those are the three prominent awakenings I had prior to my final one in the summer of 2017. It is like a birth, so there’s a period of gestation until God is ready to see Itself through you. Awakening is always Now and there’s no time involved. In fact, you are always awake, just not realising you are. This might sound strange but it is true. You are TRUTH always now. You either notice/realise it or you don’t.
So my ‘glimpses’ were moments in which I noticed this. There’s a certain ‘intensification’ of this knowing. But the knowing is always there, either in the background (asleep) or in the foreground (awake). Or in between (glimpses).
Changes
The Awakening has brought me to Tenerife, Canary Islands (Spain, Europe), where I was born, and has ‘prepared’ a nest for me down in an area called “El Rincon”. My home is in a ‘Finca’ (land) where there are avocado trees and an old cow shed which I am slowly turning into my second home (“I” AM my HOME).
Is life different or easier? Does ‘suffering’ go as they say? Yes and no. Life is totally different and very much the same. It is easier because I am always safe (I’m ‘safety’ itself!). Patri, the character in the story, has her own personality so she finds life easy or difficult according to what happens in her story.
Suffering is seen from a different place. So it is not really a problem any longer. There is no trying to avoid suffering. Suffering is just there sometimes and this is not a bad thing. It passes. But there’s no waiting for it to pass either.
In this sense, there’s no suffering that’s unwelcome. Nothing is unwelcome. Everything has a place HOME.
How?
Yes, I did read many, many books. I did A Course in Miracles exercises (I’m still doing them, there’s no hurry now). I work the AA programme (which is a spiritual programme aiming at your waking up). I listen to my favourite teachers and continue to grow as Patri in Awareness.
There’s no how. There’s no when.
There’s just HERE and NOW.
ALWAYS.
