How to NOT Need Anything From Anyone (Including Yourself!)
by Patri HernandezOwner of Oh Mighty Health!
Is your life being dictated by your thinking? If you’re not sure of the answer, it is probably ‘yes’. Thinking we need other people to be happy is exactly that: a thought. Below we look at 3 core fears that dominate most people’s lives. See if you’re one of them.
They’re Just Beliefs (No Reality to Them)
The reason why we think we need others is because there is a belief (thought) of lack in oneself.
This lack could refer to 2 possible things: emotional lack (I need you to love me) and physical lack (I need you to bring food to the table).
You get the idea.
General Misconceptions (Most People Have)
You might fall into believing one of the two or both. But this is a misconception wrongly understood (probably from childhood).
We DON’T need another person in order for us to be and feel perfectly well. Yes, there are days when the ‘blues’ ‘hit’. And it might seem that an-other is somehow capable or responsible of ‘fixing’ this feeling. But this is just another belief.
In fact, let’s look at the beliefs that lead us into wrong thinking regarding this topic.
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#1. “I’m Scared of Ending Up Alone”
This is the number 1 offender. Fear of ending up alone (and dying alone, rotting away in some room, somewhere in the middle of nowhere, surrounded by a world unaware of this!).
FICTION: That because we don’t have a partner or children or family living next to us or friendly neighbours or friends in general we are more lonely than the person next door.
FACT: You might not like this, but everyone’s body dies on its own (the body goes, we don’t). It doesn’t matter how many thousands of people are around you the moment the last breath comes out – this is an intimate, alone business and nobody can change that.
SOLUTION: First you need to acknowledge your fear. It might take years. That’s ok. This process is slow at times but WELL WORTH IT. Understand that you have been taught many things that are not true, also out of fear. Understand that others did the best they could when they brought you up. Work with your belief: watch it appear and disappear (notice when it comes, what’s taking place? what’s ‘triggering’ it?). Grow this understanding until it is big enough for you to integrate the fear within it until it disappears. It will go. I have done it and so can you.
Put this into practice and you will not need to hijack someone’s life in order not to end up on your own (husband, children, other family members, etc). You won’t need them again, instead, you will want to be with them. Totally different!
#2. “I’m Scare of Being Alone NOW!”
This one is an ongoing one. Being scare of loneliness TODAY (now). Do I have friends to do something with later? Is my boyfriend calling me in a bit? Is my mother taking me out for dinner? What would I do if I wasn’t working? Etc, etc.
The point is to somehow be ‘entertained’ or ‘distracted’ ALL the time. What happens? We end up making up things to do or just doing things we DON’T want to do in order to not sit on the sofa somehow LOST IN SELF.
FICTION: Like with #1, we are with ourselves ALL THE TIME no matter who is around us. The problem here is not the fact of being ‘alone’ (with ourselves), the problem here is believing that there’s something unwanted, negative, painful or wrong with it.
FACT: When others are around us it is very easy to lose oneself within the ‘invisible boundary’ of the other person. There’s an energetic integration and if we don’t have the right tools in place we can get lost in the other, losing identity, integrity and doing things we don’t want to (all the way from saying something inappropriate to sleeping with the other person). People pleasing kicks in, and we’re gone well before we have even realised it.
SOLUTION: Train yourself to be on your own often. On your own means: no music, no TV, no phone, no Internet… nothing. Just you. If you don’t like the idea, start with a simple 30 seconds exercise. Every day, make it a routine: 30 seconds with yourself. Count the seconds, don’t worry about not actually ‘being’ with yourself. You’ are willing and trying and that’s all that counts. Just don’t stop the exercise, it is important you keep it going! Increase the times to 1 minute, then 3 minutes, then 5 minutes every day – and by the end of 6 months resolute to being on your own at least 30 minutes a day.
Here’s the surprise: by the end of approximately 12 months, you will wonder how could you have not been ‘on your own’ before. You will want ‘more of this’ as you develop this inner-relationship with your beloved (yourself).
It is something not to be missed, I promise you. Give it a try. Let me know in the comments below how are you you getting on at first as it can be a little dauting and/or difficult at first. If crying happens, give it your best – it is some sort of rebirth that is taking place. Simple, delicate and beautiful.
This practical exercise will work deeply within you in terms of removing guilt. You won’t need to ‘count on you to get you out of the moment’. As guilt goes, we start to feel lighter and are much better equipped to endure happiness!
#3. “I’m Scared of Thoughts and Memories Attacking Me”
Not everyone might be aware of this one but it is very common. In fact, many people would be in denial around it, but it does happen – those ‘unwanted’ thoughts (especially the ones we’re NEVER telling anyone) ‘pop up’ as if by magic every now and then (as they please!) making us feel horrendously guilty or bringing up pain to the surface. Ouch. Not nice.
FICTION: The thoughts and memories (same thing – memories are extremely subjective ‘now’ thoughts, so they point at an unreality) cannot really attack us, in fact, in order for them to ‘attack’ or ‘making us feel pain’ they would have to be infused with our own power (we are the ones empowering the thoughts). It sounds like a simple enough thing to remove power from the thought but, believe me, once it ‘sets in’ it is almost impossible to throw out if we don’t have the right tools.
FACT: We tend to use other people, things, even other thoughts! to sway away from the moment. This is a type of addiction. It works like this: ‘painful thought comes, I need to get away from how I’m feeling’.
Some people go on their entire lives without realising this is taking place.
SOLUTION: Carry a calming thought, poem, prayer, mantra, etc in your bag, wallet, phone… When an ‘attacking thought’ comes, remember to take it out ASAP and recite it as many times as needed. Your main attacking thought will slowly subside as you’re giving power to the new more ‘beneficially energised’ one. This exercise works basically from the first time you try it! If you get used to it and keep doing it for a long time (years), eventually you will see how your thoughts and memories are just that: thoughts and memories. Harmless.
This one will help you ‘become friends with yourself’. You are the person you fear the most, as the painful thoughts and memories seem to come from you. As your get to trust yourself, so will your relationship with yourself blossom. You won’t need others to take you away from you.
Master the Tools & You Will Be Free
As you master these tools you will slowly but surely fall in love with you.
There REALLY isn’t anyone out there who can give you anything you don’t already have. In fact, see if you can grasp this: whatever you think you see in other people you must have in yourself; otherwise, how can it be seen??
All love that seems to come from others towards you is really being generated by you.
How beautiful is that?!
Noticing is what needs to be worked on… it is not our fault we were taught differently. But it is time to get started on removing these beliefs TODAY.
You DON’T need anything from anyone, including your thinking self. Let the thoughts come and go. You’re here to stay.
